Grandpa Al

I went to visit my Grandpa for the first time today in months. I can't even begin to explain how guilty I feel waiting so long to see him. His health has been rapidly deteriorating and his mental state is questionable. He has been in 2 different nursing homes and 3 different rooms in the last 3 months or so. We talked on the phone a few times a month, and I had always promised to bring Isla by, but then I never did. I don't know why I waited so long. I guess because every time I see him it gets harder and harder. Our visits went from lunch dates out, to subway and Skipbo at his place, to visits like today...me staying for 15 minutes because it is very hard too carry on a conversation with him. It's not that I have nothing to say to him, but he has a hard time remembering and understanding what is going on.

What breaks my heart the most is seeing where he is currently living. He went from a little room in assisted living to a cold, dreary room in a nursing home. His old place was decorated with pictures he lovingly taped to the wall and little trinkets placed randomly around the room. His new place has a bed, a chair, and a few random personal belongings scattered around. No tv, no trinkets, no pictures of family taped to the wall. It was the saddest thing I've seen in a long time. Made even more sad by the fact that my Grandpa is withering away. He is tiny. Most of his teeth are now gone. He sleeps all the time. He was sleeping when I came in today, and he looked so frail. I couldn't help but wonder why he was still holding on.

When I got home I started thinking about how sad it would be to spend your final days/months in a room that wasn't your home, with few visitors, and little contact with the outside world. It breaks my heart. I need to be a better granddaughter and visit him more often. Even if it's just a few minutes each time. I wouldn't want to be in a place like that and feel all alone...that is no way to live.

My Grandma Bunny died in a room that was her home. Yes it was assisted living, but she was surrounded by all of her things. It became her home, and towards the end she never remembered living anywhere else. In the end she was surrounded by so many family members. I was there when her last rights were read.

My Grandpa will die in an empty room of a nursing home and there is nothing I can do aside from be there as much as possible and remind him that he is loved.

I'm happy Isla got to meet her Great Grandpa today.