I am amazed that I can love somebody so much, and then in a moment of rage, hate them so deeply....
Wednesday night Andy decided to go out with his friends. He invited me to join them, but since I had to get up at 5:30 I declined the invitation and got in bed. I was totally fine with Andy going out...he gave me a massage and got me all tucked into bed before I left...things were perfect. For some reason I have a very hard time sleeping when Andy isn't here, especially when he is out drinking...I tend to worry. Anyway, I finally ended up drifting to sleep around 1:30, only to wake up at 2 again. Andy told me he'd be home after the bar closed because he wasn't going to drink much, so when I called him a little after 2 I expected him to be on his way home....not walking to his friends house to play cards and sober up. For some reason the fact that he was drunk and not coming home to me made me FURIOUS. I can't explain the feeling, but it was really a deep deep anger for something sooo silly. I felt like he was choosing his friends over me. Around 3 I call him back and he says he'll be leaving any minute...time goes by and I call him again at 4 and he still hasn't left. Now I am so mad I cannot even handle it. I'm mad at Andy for having fun without me, mad at him for not being home, mad at myself for not being able to sleep while he's gone....so at this point I'm really considering breaking up with him (yes silly I know...). I decide I'm sick of him not putting me first and giving all of his attention to me (because I am a spoiled brat) so I get a pitcher, fill it with water, and dump it all over his side of the bed. In my head this is totally justified....I am going to make him as angry as I am AND he will have to sleep in the other bed.
Andy finally gets home around 4:30 and he's being all nice and sweet. I'm of course in a terrible mood but feeling a tiny bit guilty about the whole water thing. He goes to his side of the bed, feels the ridiculous amount of water that has saturated his sheets and he goes crazy. So at this point we are both screaming at each other...and he decides there is no way he is sleeping in the guest room...he is just going to leave. Earlier in the fight I had mentioned maybe he should leave and we should take a break from each other, but when he started packing his things I got nervous. I knew I really didn't want him to leave but knew at this point I didn't have a choice. Him leaving would be totally justified, nothing I could stay would stop him.
To make a long story short, Andy left with the dog but eventually came back. I went to work on virtually no sleep (you really can't count 30 minutes as sleep) but managed to survive the entire day without passing out.
When I came home from work I wasn't sure what to expect. I was hoping Andy was there, but I completely would have understood if he left. I was being completely irrational and incredibly bitchy. Thankfully he was home when I arrived and after some quick, yet sincere apologies, we were fine. We spent the night indulging in waaaay too much pizza and watching movies in bed...it was wonderful.
I feel like I came very close to losing such a good thing in my life. I seriously need to get a grip on reality a bit more and not do the whole whiny complainy thing every time I don't feel like I'm getting enough attention. I just don't understand why I get such deep feelings of anger and rage over such silly little things... During our fight Andy made a comment on how I'd regret everything I said the next day, and I remember seiously thinking, There is no way I will regret this, I am right, he is wrong.
Thank God I have such a sweet understanding boyfriend. I don't want him to have to put up with crazy Betsy anymore...so I am realllllllllllllllly going to work on my anger issues!
7 years ago
2 comments:
I'm glad everything worked out. I kind of figured things were back to normal when you said you and Andy were having eggs this morning, but I am glad to know for sure.
Insecurity is a killer. The real reason you were so upset is in the back of your head it was driving you nuts -- was he doing something he shouldn't be doing? That doesn't mean you don't trust him -- it just means you're not as secure about yourself.
He was having fun with the guys, playing cards. That certainly can't be anymore harmful than the kind of fun you've had with the girls -- I mean look at all of those photos! I'll bet you Andy wasn't having that kind of fun!
Pouring water on his side of the bed is just, well it's just so what we expect of women. They'll do something in spite of themselves and because it's so out there, they jeopardize exactly what it is they want to protect.
My only advise is next time don't assault his side of the bed unless you're really okay if he walks with the dog and doesn't come back.
Cool site -- have a great life! Oh, and if Blogger didn't show your site as 'recently updated' I never would have known. Take care - nothing but the best for you and yours! I hope you get the teaching job you're looking for!
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